


HOW TO DATE YOUR JOE —Dos and Don’t, Literal Self-Help Book by Nicolò di Genova

by LydeNicoKITE



Series: Comprehensive Lists of Dos and Don't regarding Joe, as written by Nicolò di Genova [2]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Lists, M/M, Nicky writes lists to cope, Roommates, Team as Family, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, can be read as a standalone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29633487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LydeNicoKITE/pseuds/LydeNicoKITE
Summary: Notes about the author:Nicolò di Genova has been dating his Joe for three months, fifteen days and three hours without Fucking Everything Up. Not that he’s counting or anything.Customer Reviews:“Love is blooming all around me. Joe wakes up singing, Andy has a stupid smile on her face every time someone mentions Quỳnh. I foundthison the kitchen table. God I hate being single.” —S.Le Livre (sober)“I may use some ideas for my Tinder date. Cheers mate.” —S.Le Livre (drunk)“This book is completely useless to anyone but the author, thus proving that sequels are always worse :(” —Quỳnh“The author walks the fine line between being pathetic and in love.” —Lykon“Fucking hilarious.” —A.Scythian
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: Comprehensive Lists of Dos and Don't regarding Joe, as written by Nicolò di Genova [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177352
Comments: 37
Kudos: 278





	HOW TO DATE YOUR JOE —Dos and Don’t, Literal Self-Help Book by Nicolò di Genova

##  **HOW TO DATE YOUR JOE —Dos and Don’t, Literal Self-Help Book by Nicolò di Genova**

**Notes about the author:** Nicolò di Genova has been dating his Joe for three months, fifteen days and three hours without Fucking Everything Up. Not that he’s counting or anything.

**Customer Reviews:**

“ _Love is blooming all around me. Joe wakes up singing, Andy has a stupid smile on her face every time someone mentions Quỳnh. I found_ this _on the kitchen table. God I hate being single_.” —S.Le Livre (sober)

“ _I may use some ideas for my Tinder date. Cheers mate._ ” —S.Le Livre (drunk)

“ _This book is completely useless to anyone but the author, thus proving that sequels are always worse :(_ ” —Quỳnh

“ _The author walks the fine line between being pathetic and in love._ ” —Lykon

“ _Fucking hilarious_.” —A.Scythian

“ _Adding this to the blackmail folder, or maybe I’ll save it for your wedding day. As your best friend and trusted advisor, I expected the co-authorship, but I’ll settle for 60% of royalties_.” —N.Freeman

{Note: the reader will find that the notes written in _italics_ were added later in a different handwriting}

**HOW TO DATE YOUR JOE:**

**1** \- Don’t forget to buy milk. Don’t believe your Joe when he texts you that he’ll remember to buy it himself coming back from the studio: he won’t.

**2** \- Don’t spoil book endings even if said book has been around for more than a century: your Joe will not hesitate to ban you from his kingdom, and sleeping on the sofa is not good for your back.

**3** \- In case of Exile, wait until 2a.m. before sneaking back into the bedroom. Gently remove the external layer of the Cocoon and slowly invade your Joe’s territory. Remember to breathe in front of the sleeping Joe’s arresting cuteness. Wait 5 minutes for the Joe to drag you closer. In the morning, extra kisses are encouraged.

**4** \- Bad Date Ideas:

**4,1** \- watching a movie without a happy ending. It completely ruins the mood. Exceptions can be made for ‘The Fox and the Hound’ because crying together was liberating and also it’s the author’s favourite Disney movie.

**4,2** \- paintball: the Joe has deadly aim and will NOT hesitate.

**4,3** -fancy restaurants: the risk of looking ridiculous increases and the Joe notices. _You’re an idiot, I just hate when you feel like being yourself is not enough. And despite the atrocious shirt-tie colour scheme, I appreciated the effort_

**5** \- Don’t tell your friends when the bowling date is supposed to be. They’ll follow you, and they won’t even try to be subtle, “So we’ll meet you at the bowling place later tonight, right?”

Everyone gets way too excited about bowling and somehow one year is enough to become seriously good at bowling without you noticing. Even if being too many around the same table means your Joe will basically sit on your lap during dinner, losing every single game is not the best way to impress your date. Add ‘bowling’ to the bad date ideas. _We had fun, mouse, you’re just a sore loser_

**6** \- Remind your Joe that water paint is not drinkable. Hide the brushes when your Joe refuses to go to sleep. The Joe doesn’t like empty compliments, but he cares about his art: even if your opinion isn’t worth much, try to explain to him how looking at Joe’s paintings makes you feel boundless and minuscule, a star connected with the rest of the universe, a speck of light in a galaxy, and in this feeling you can breathe easily. Joe sees the beauty of the stars in the smallest aspects of the cosmos, and his art is just like him, unique, warm and so beautiful that looking at it for too long feels like a crime, but so does looking away.

**7** \- Good ideas: staying in bed all day, sex, kissing Joe quickly before he has to run to class, drawing a heart on Joe’s cappucino, morning sex, flowers (roses are good because Joe likes indulging in clichés), sex, Miyazaki movie marathons, cuddles, improptu trips to the coutryside. _You wrote sex three times. Who knew you could be this romantic <3 _

**8** \- Joe gets sad on his parents’ birthdays. If he doesn’t want you around, and he wants to stay in bed and he pushes you away, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Leave food around the house so he remembers to eat.

**9** \- He loves you, Nile says it means you’re enough. I just sometimes wish we’d met differently. ~~Don’t tell him that you’re scared?~~

**10** \- Be prepared for the possibility that one day you’ll have to let him go

_I refuse to read the rest of this. I REFUSE. I am deeply offended this.. manual has been redacted without my knowledge, not to mention everyone has read this except me? Why is Quỳnh talking about sequels? How many of these exists? Do you have a secret career? Are you writing romcoms behind my back? Are you Elena Ferrante? DO YOU WRITE EROTICA NICKY_

_More importantly, do you hear how stupid you are?_

_You are an idiot. I love you so much I’m afraid I can’t breathe because maybe I need my lungs to store my feelings as well, the heart is not enough. You are my mornings and my evenings and my sweetest nights. You are my best friend and the guy I’ve been in love with for four years and yet you worry you’re not enough? Not on my watch._

_Do you think I don’t notice when you leave my favourite snacks around the house, or when you change the paint water because you’re afraid I’m going to drink it? Do you think I didn’t know you bought the small round cactus three days after I told you I find them funny, the cactus you had the audacity to say it was a gift from la signora Zanarini from the second floor? Did you know that mrs.Zanarini deeply dislikes me because I once told her your mascarpone is better than hers? She would never give me free cacti. You would._

_The truth is you’re much better at this than I am. I know Booker jokes saying I could write speeches for a living, but making big love declarations on special occasions is the easiest part. You are the one who asked me out and told me you had feelings for me. You are braver than I was. I was so scared during our first date, and you let me talk your ear off. All I wanted to do was kiss you and it took me three hours to finally have the courage to do that. It was raining and all I could think of was: ‘Do my lips taste like rain?’ (Yours tasted of popcorn, so now every time it’s movie night I get this pavlovian response and I need to kiss you a lot, movie be damned. Nile noticed and she makes fun of me every Friday night.)_

_You are the only one who brings quiet to my mind. Before I met you, I used to paint at night until I fell asleep on the ground, and every piece was tainted with grief and memories I couldn’t shake. I met you and then the others and I don’t want to make a big speech, so I won’t, but board games night and club nights and movie nights and all the other countless traditions.. those are the good things in my life._

_This is for you._

**_HOW TO DATE YOUR JOE, UPDATED VERSION_ **

_**Notes about the author:** _ _First rule about writing a good article is going straight to the source. It’s me, I’m the source._

_**1** _ _\- Buy the milk._

_**2** _ _\- Don’t spoil books because it’s a crime and I cannot believe you enjoy spoilers. I will never forgive you for telling me Beth March dies. Never._

_**3** _ _\- I loathe sleeping without you, and waking up is bearable only if it’s you tricking me to get me out of bed. Extra kisses are encouraged._

_**4** _ _\- Good date ideas:_

**_4,1_** \- _watching movies together, because you let me talk but not too much. When there’s something sad happening on screen you have your posh handkerchief ready for me and I swear every time I feel like I’m Elizabeth Bennet and a part of me wants to laugh and not cry anymore._

_**4,2** _ _\- going to our favourite osteria but it’s just us two and we can eat crescentine and drink cheap wine until we roll out of the place. I love when you get tipsy and you walk with one arm around my waist and when we wait for the light to go green you just go silent and almost fall asleep on my shoulder. I feel so lucky to have your drool on my jacket._

_**4,3** _ _\- when we both get sick, we had everyone playing nurse and we watched the entirety of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and we both agreed that I’m Jake and Andy is Holt and Rosa at the same time. We were both disgusting but you let me cuddle and Nile took a photo of us and I agreed with her we are ridiculous but exceptionally cute. No one is doing it like us._

_**4,4** _ _\- Bowling. You’re so bad at it, it’s hilarious. Also when I win and you get angry you want to kiss me so bad it makes you look stupid. I love you._

_**5** _ _\- Accept my paintings when I say they’re for you. I can sell some of them, but others are for our eyes only. Speaking of art, please let me read your novel? I know you’re writing one, self help books aside. I would love to draw the Knights of your story, one day. We could publish it and be rich together (not that it matters)._

_**6** _ _\- I love your good ideas._

_**7** _ _\- Now that I think of it, I hate when you leave your shoes all around the house. I don’t want your socks under the bed. Please stop taking bets from Booker, he hasn’t done the dishes in a year and his smug face is too irritating. I don’t like your tomato tuna sauce but you’ve made it every week for the past three years so I got too afraid to tell you._

_**8** _ _\- Let me win at Catan’s Settlers once in a while, you capitalist monster :(_

_**8,1** _ _\- I love it when on board games night we team up against everyone else in secret. I love being the person you look at when you notice something funny and we understand each other without a word. I lost my parents but you are my family and I am so grateful that you drag me with you for the holidays even if I don’t celebrate Christmas. It’s difficult for me to talk about it, but I appreciate that your family has basically adopted me._

_I want to say I always want you around, but it wouldn’t be true. Know that, even when I want to be left alone in the dark for a little while, you are the tether I follow to go back into the light._

**9, 10, 11, 12, 13, etc-** _You are enough. For the rest of the list, talk to me. We can write a manual together and stick it to the fridge, unless Booker complains about it because it covers the groceries list._

_You’re back from class so I better leave the bed and go kiss you. I smell Chinese food!! God I love you_

_See you in a second._


End file.
